Well - it has been quite a while since I posted, but I wanted to let some emotions run its course and try to see more clearly. My husband and I are definitely split (actually it will be final on Monday). To my surprise this has brought some mixed feelings. My oldest child is definitely having difficulty with mommy and daddy not being in the same house. This has brought me feelings of sadness and guilt. She tells me that daddy wants me back in the house - but I know this is not true. I have been living with my mom since New Year's - so I know this has been a bit of a strain. I purchased a house and am in the process of fixing it up. I think then the girls will be more comfortable and have a new "home" to identify with. I hope this helps them with the struggle of having their parents in two different places. I just can't wait to have a real home to live in!!
As for my depression it has been more in check. Making the decision to leave and start over did have a stabilizing effect on me. Maybe because the official divorce is so close now I am feeling a little more sad. Not because I am not excited about starting over, but because I feel like I failed. I am a competitive person and I don't like failing - but I failed my first marriage. I only hope that I learn from those mistakes.
The person I am with now is wonderful. He is understanding, caring, has similar interests and drives and is just fun to be around. I think the girls like him and he adores the girls. I know it is a lot for them to get used to - but they have both commented on how happy I seem lately. Of course I still see my therapist and doctor to make sure all is well - this is no time to "wing it" with regard to medication.
I have also realized that the loss of my dad is setting in a bit more lately. I'm not having crazy dreams any more, but I miss him more and my oldest girl is having a lot of difficulty with it. She says she misses him and asks about him all the time. I told he that things must be hard for her now - losing her pop-pop, and her mommy and daddy living in separate houses. I told her it was ok to be sad and ok to cry and that she could talk to mommy or daddy any time she wanted. Not having my dad to talk to has been hard. Sometimes I have to do double takes when I see people because I think I see him. I just want to tell him that I am ok and that I hope he is not mad at me for getting divorced. I hope he thinks I am doing the right thing. I hope he is looking after all of his girls. We need a guardian angel right now. Life is stressful.
Bleedovers: A Dystopian Novella
1 year ago