On a New Path

Yup. Its official - I am divorced. The big "D". I thought I would feel a bit different, but I still feel like me. I think I was more emotional yesterday than I have been in a while. I guess the finality of it all really hit me. Its really over. No turning back. Not that I want to turn back, but a girl likes options and now I don't have any :) I guess it was just hard for me to admit that I could not keep the biggest promise I ever made - I think that is the most difficult thing I have had to come to terms with through this. But I am feeling a bit better today.

I really just could not handle reality yesterday. Unfortunately the world doesn't stop and kids don't necessarily realize when mommy is having a bad day. Speaking of the girls - they were so bad yesterday!!! Maybe they realized I was on another planet - but gee - they were cookoo-doodle. I'm going to have to put my authority mommy pants on and straighten those girls out! I guess I just feel so bad for them though all this. We share custody 50/50 so they are back and forth. They are also young so I am not quite sure they get what is going on. I did explain to my daughter that mommy and daddy were not married anymore. She got sad and asked, well what happens when I have kids? Will they have extra grandma's and grandpa's? I said - yes - they will be very lucky cause there will be so many people to love them! She seemed to like that idea. Why she is worrying about having kids when she is 4 - well that's a whole other story!

So no, there will be no divorce party with champagne and drinks. I don't believe in celebrating an ending such as this. I do look forward to putting to use what I learned in this process. Like how to better communicate with my partner, how to control my depression so that it does not affect my family so drastically, and most importantly how to love life and the people that are so very important to me.

Just because the first path I took was wrong, does not mean that I will not find the right one, or at least a new exciting one :)

"Our wretched species is so made that those who walk on the well-trodden path always throw stones at those who are showing a new road" -Voltaire

Tomorrow is a big day...

...tomorrow my divorce will be final. I know this is the right thing for me, but I am sure I will leave the courtroom a mess of emotions tomorrow. I am exhausted emotionally and physically. I feel like my mom and brother have no idea what I am going through and think its just like any other day. My mom seems to forget that I have a demanding job, am playing general contractor at my house and am going though many emotions with my marriage ending. I am also trying to be the best mom possible through all this as well and it is just taking a toll on me.

Hopefully things will be better when the divorce is final. Maybe I will feel a big sense of relief. It will also be great when the house is done and I can have a home again.

Wish me luck. Luckily I do have a wonderful boyfriend supporting me though this :) I love you baby.

Something Fun!

I can't talk about depression and suicide and divorce all the time! What a downer! I am actually in a pretty good place emotionally right now. Pretty stable - so I figured I'd do something fun to make me seem a little less anonymous and a bit more human. So here are some interesting things to know about me:

1. I'm 35, will be officially divorced on Monday and have two little girls aged 4 and almost 3.

2. I am not at all graceful but can be quite charming :)

3. I'm a goth girl grown up. I still have a bit of a quirky sense of style, but can totally dress it up or sport a business suit if I have to.

4. I have a nose ring and giant tattoo on my back and a small one on my shoulder.

5. I just bought a house that I am gutting. This is added stress but the fun kind. If I could do it over I'd be an interior designer - so this is like having my own design show.

6. My boyfriend is a hottie artist geek.

7. My most prized possession is a little teapot that was my grandmother's. It was the first thing I took when I decided to move out.

8. Alice in Wonderland is my youngest daughter's favorite movie - hence the theme. She is an old soul that just melts everyone she meets. There is just something so special about her. Maybe I will refer to her as Alice for purposes of this blog.

9. I love wine. I have a wine fridge and I use it. Yummy yummy wine.

10. I never in a million years thought I would blog. But here I am. Though I suppose I never thought I'd do a lot of things...Life is funny that way!

11. I believe in ghosts.

12. I love to travel, love photography and am the biggest U2 fan on the planet. I've combined all those loves by seeing them a lot of times in 5 different countries and taking some great pictures.

13. My brother and I are in "competition" to get to all the continents first. We have both been to North America (obviously), Europe, Asia and Australia.

I guess that's a good start!

I hope you all keep stopping by!

And my quote for today...

"The only difference between tattooed people and untattooed people is that tattooed people are way more cool and can kick your ass." Jack Rudy

August 19, 2008

That day feels like it literally marks the first day of the rest of my life. The day my world was shattered, the day my priorities shifted and my strength was tested. The day that changed every thought process I had, the day that grounded me. This was truly the worst day of my life.

The day runs through my head like a film reel. I know what I was wearing, I know who I called first, I remember having to tell my mom and I remember seeing my brother cry. I remember him hugging me and not wanting to let go. And now finally the numbness is wearing off and I feel like I have to talk about it.

My dad was your typical goofy guy. Loved to travel, love to spoil his wife and kids. Loved cars and his granddaughters. He was young (only 59) with energy and health to have a fun retirement. But really underneath all that he was depressed. Really depressed and he fooled us all. I was his girl. Even at 34 he still spoiled me. He loved my daughters so much - he was their pop-pop. So why did he leave us? Why didn't he say good bye? Well I suppose he said good bye to the girls in his own way - but he didn't say good bye to me. Did he think I would understand? Did he think I could handle it? Or did he think I was too self-absorbed to notice he was hurting? Unfortunately at the same time I was in a deep depression myself and couldn't see the world around me. I didn't care about most things - maybe he thought I didn't care if he wasn't around. I wish I could tell him wrong that is - how much I cared about him. How I would have done anything I could to help if I only knew.

I really "woke up" after that. I realized there was a family history of depression and that I wasn't alone. I realized that people are afraid to ask for help. I realized that I was miserable and I had to make some changes. It was quick and drastic - but I had to save my own life. I didn't want my kids to find me hanging in the garage one day. I want to be there if my girls need help. Now that I know the strong genetic component I know to watch for it. And I knew above all that I needed help.

So I saw a therapist and then a psychiatrist (and still do). I am on some medication now (not much - but enough to keep me steady). I left a marriage that was going nowhere for a better life by myself. I have so much more interest in my children and what they do now. I feel alive. I also left the big house and bought a cute little one. Retail therapy no longer consumes me. My outlook on what is really important has totally changed. I have 2 beautiful, healthy daughters, a roof over my head, a job I love and a great boyfriend that has gone though a similar realignment of priorities.

I just wish I didn't have to lose my dad to gain some focus. If anything good has come of this, at least in his death, I was able to truly live. Thanks Dad. I miss you.

"I hope it is true that a man can die and yet not only live in others but give them life, and not only life, but that great consciousness of life." Jack Kerouac

Why? Why? WHY?

I am so frustrated today. I have gained about a pound a day this week. I am not eating an extra 3500 calories a day here! Can stress really do this to you? I must have some major cortisol problem if that's the case - lol. But I still squeezed myself into my 15lb ago jeans so I do not get comfy in the bigger ones. This weight MUST go away. It doesn't help that I was responsible for the office bagels today. I mean how can I go to Panera and not eat my most favorite bagel (the assiago cheese one) today? Looks like its salad for lunch :)

My body image has always been a major problem for me. I know my depression plays a major role in this, but I just can't seem to shake it. I was doing so well and then my dad died and for reasons beyond my control had to stop going to the gym. I had to get home earlier because my mom had to go back to work and could not watch the girls while I went to work out. It was all downhill from there. But even without the exercise I should have been able to keep my weight at least stable. This weight gain has really gotten me down and I just feel so frumpy lately. I really need to turn this around. I need to find some time and get motivated again - even with all the other stress swirling around me.

On top of that I forgot my blackberry today! How could I forget my crackberry??? Its usually attached to me at the hip. It would be like me forgetting to put my feet on in the morning. Oh wait - they come pre-attached. Maybe THATS why I always remember them. I don't know why I can't remember to do basic things anymore either. It drives me nuts. I pride myself on being pretty smart (wicked smart in fact), yet I can't remember to make a reservation (which reminds me...) Maybe I have to start tying string to my fingers and wiring my jaw shut. Maybe that would solve some of my problems ;)

Maybe I'll take a nice walk tonite. If I remember.

The April Fool

Well I have decided that today will be my "New Year's Day". I suppose that makes me an April Fool, but I think it will have positive consequences. With all the stress in my life around getting divorced, losing my dad, finding a new place to live etc., I have not focused on my own health. I've gained 10lbs back and its time to lose it. So starting today I will watch my diet, try to get in more exercise (now that the weather is getting nicer), and take my vitamins!

All of these things should also help my depression. I know when I was actively exercising my depression was definitely more in check. I have been in a funk lately and I need to shake it. I can't let myself slip into another bout of depression right now. I have to many things to do and too many things to be thankful for. I also have to have the strength to get through these tough times ahead with fixing the house and getting the girls adjusted.

I will also use this time to get more done at work. I have caught up a lot, but we have a few big projects that I can take on now and I think a sense of accomplishment at work will help me. Maybe I will do some spring cleaning in my office today to really get things on track.

So happy April Fool's Day - may it be a good start for all!

And We're Back!

Well - it has been quite a while since I posted, but I wanted to let some emotions run its course and try to see more clearly. My husband and I are definitely split (actually it will be final on Monday). To my surprise this has brought some mixed feelings. My oldest child is definitely having difficulty with mommy and daddy not being in the same house. This has brought me feelings of sadness and guilt. She tells me that daddy wants me back in the house - but I know this is not true. I have been living with my mom since New Year's - so I know this has been a bit of a strain. I purchased a house and am in the process of fixing it up. I think then the girls will be more comfortable and have a new "home" to identify with. I hope this helps them with the struggle of having their parents in two different places. I just can't wait to have a real home to live in!!

As for my depression it has been more in check. Making the decision to leave and start over did have a stabilizing effect on me. Maybe because the official divorce is so close now I am feeling a little more sad. Not because I am not excited about starting over, but because I feel like I failed. I am a competitive person and I don't like failing - but I failed my first marriage. I only hope that I learn from those mistakes.

The person I am with now is wonderful. He is understanding, caring, has similar interests and drives and is just fun to be around. I think the girls like him and he adores the girls. I know it is a lot for them to get used to - but they have both commented on how happy I seem lately. Of course I still see my therapist and doctor to make sure all is well - this is no time to "wing it" with regard to medication.

I have also realized that the loss of my dad is setting in a bit more lately. I'm not having crazy dreams any more, but I miss him more and my oldest girl is having a lot of difficulty with it. She says she misses him and asks about him all the time. I told he that things must be hard for her now - losing her pop-pop, and her mommy and daddy living in separate houses. I told her it was ok to be sad and ok to cry and that she could talk to mommy or daddy any time she wanted. Not having my dad to talk to has been hard. Sometimes I have to do double takes when I see people because I think I see him. I just want to tell him that I am ok and that I hope he is not mad at me for getting divorced. I hope he thinks I am doing the right thing. I hope he is looking after all of his girls. We need a guardian angel right now. Life is stressful.