Is this Heaven?

Yup...that is what my almost 3 year old (Alice) asked as we pulled into the cemetery that my dad is in. So my 4 year old (Sally) quickly corrected her saying that no, this was the cemetery. That is where they keep the body and the bones. Only the soul goes to Heaven and that is in the sky. But you have to be dead. That is the only way you can get to Heaven.

OH says Alice. OK.

So we get to the mausoleum that my dad is in and I show Sally where he is. Alice says - can we see him? Why is he in the wall? Can they open it? Look! - that one is broken. So I had to explain that it wasn't broken, but that someone had just died and they were making the special stone with their name on it. OH ok.

Sally is still standing looking at the wall. So I say - do you want to say anything to Pop-Pop? She gets all quiet and says yes. I love you and I miss you and starts to cry. So I start to cry and tell her that its ok to cry and that I miss him too. I also tell her that she shouldn't be afraid to cry if she is sad.

So almost on cue, Alice comes up to the both of us and gives us a hug and says "I Love Pop-Pop". We smile and stop crying. Sally stops crying because she sees the silly grin on Alice's face. I stop because I know I have this amazing little girl with an old soul that just melts me. She has an uncanny ability to make me and lots of other people just feel good. She has a warmth that an almost 3 year old shouldn't have. She has boundless empathy and sympathy - more than most adults I know. I also smile because I realize that my four year old understands that love doesn't die just because the person did. You can truly love someone forever.

Then I look over to see Jack. He wishes he could have met my dad, but he is happy to be involved in bringing Pop-Pop's girls to see him. He is so warm and caring, knowing how important these little visits are.

So I may not have my dad anymore, but I am surrounded by tons of love and support from Jack, tons of life and excitement to learn from Sally and tons of something I can't even explain from Alice. She is just amazing to me. And yes Alice - maybe it was Heaven - cause I wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere else at that moment when you came in for that healing hug. I hope you never lose that charm.



"Women's Liberation is just a lot of foolishness. It's the men who are discriminated against. They can't bear children. And no one's likely to do anything about that." ~Golda Meir

A Lesson in Economics

So recently I read this interesting article about "Just in Time" economics (JIT) vs. "Just in Case" economics (JIC). Apparently Toyota introduced this JIT theory and this article explained how it could be applied to your everyday life. So the gist of it is that we live in a world of excess. With the Just in Time theory you order things as you need them rather than stock pile items for someday (JIC). So Toyota orders their parts as they are building their cars and whips them out "just in time" for the consumer. Costs stay down. They make money - everyone is happy.

OK, how does this apply to me you ask? Well, how many of you have bought 10 giant cans of corn at the can can sale (If you don't have Shop Rite near you this isn't nearly as funny as I think it is) because they were buy 10 for $10? What a bargain you say! I need corn. Its always good to have corn on hand. But do you really like corn that much? Do you end up opening the pantry door saying, ugh, I just can't eat corn again. And then the day comes when can are in the mood for the corn, but you haven't eaten it in so long that its expired, and you end up throwing out 5 cans, and effectively $5. You know you have all done this!!!!

So my next question is, do you expand this into other areas of your life, like say when Payless has their BOGO sale? You probably don't need one pair of crappy shoes, but if you can get the 2nd for half off, suddenly you can buy those "just in case" strappy sandals for that wedding you "might" have to go to this summer... or maybe you buy those clothes at Macy's cause they are on sale and you could always use another (insert article of clothing here)! Meanwhile there is stuff in your closet that still has the tags on that you bought at the last sale, but doesn't fit quite right. But you save it "just in case" you gain or lose 5lbs and then it will be perfect! Guess what. That dress from 1992 may actually fit now, but you look ridiculous in it!

Then there is the "well I want to impress people as much as I can" version of this. Otherwise know as "keeping up with the Jones'". It has very similar principles. While I am all for people living in nice homes and driving nice dependable cars, some people live in a world of excess or "just in case". For example, you may buy that nicer car, just in case people don't know (or think) you are wealthy, powerful, or have, well you know where I was going there...

So in this economy, I think people are starting to wake up to this. I mean what do I care if Joe Schmo *thinks* I have money based on my house, car, clothing label etc. Most likely they are in debt to their eyeballs. But that illusion has become more important than the reality. I'm by no means saying to sell your house and live in a shack. But do people really need 5 bathrooms when they have one kid?

And no, I am not better than anyone here. In fact I have fallen victim to this myself. I got very caught up in appearances and straddled myself with a crazy car payment for a very zingy German car. Then I woke up one day and realized that this excess or "just in case" lifestyle of compiling as much as a person can to keep up an image, was a major contributing factor to my dad's death. Money, or the thought of being poor again (he was a poor kid) tortured him. People saw him as a well known business owner in the community, thought he did very well for himself and he thought that is why people respected him. When in actuality people respected him because he was a nice guy that would help anyone out. He could make anyone laugh, he did anything he could for his friends, family and community. Nobody knew his finances. And if they did would he stop being my dad? No. And money is a stupid thing to die over. So, I went and traded in my zingy German car yesterday for an equally zingy Toyota. Its cute, smart, and reasonable. Just like the new me. And now I will have an extra $200 in my pocket - well actually my credit card will get $200 more per month. (And yes - the closet will get a clean-out as well, I can also admit I was a brand whore at one point lol)

And remember, we live in a world of excess. It will still be there when you *truly* need it. Its not 1600 anymore. We don't have to stockpile the corn just in case its a really bad winter. We can get plenty at the can can sale.

"The only baggage you can bring Is all that you can't leave behind... You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been, A place that has to be believed to be seen... And I know it aches And your heart it breaks, And you can only take so much ...
Walk on, walk on" -U2

Spring Fever!

Ahhh finally... I have been hit by spring fever! Work on my house is really getting done and I just want to be there to be part of the work and enjoy the beautiful weather today. It also makes me think about all the fun things I can do with the girls as the weather gets nicer. They are at such great ages (4 and almost 3) and they just love running around in bare feet. Maybe we can go to the shore (on the weekends I have them) so they can stick those cute little toes in the sand. I am looking forward to sitting on my porch reading a book on warm nights too and having friends over for some of my famous themed events!

My new home represents so many things to me. Not only does it represent a new beginning post-divorce, but that I am able to accomplish a purchase and renovation on my own. That I have the vision to take a home that was in pretty bad shape and breathe new life into it. That I was able to make it my own and be proud of it. And yes, it simply represents the hope of many good times ahead with my girls. A home that I hope they will enjoy as much as I for a long time to come. A place where we all feel safe and welcome and hopefully depression free.

Now if the next hour and 44 minutes would just fly by I could do something about that spring fever!

"If you've never been thrilled to the very edges of your soul by a flower in spring bloom, maybe your soul has never been in bloom." ~Audra Foveo

Jumping Back In!

Ok - so that was a shorter break than even I expected, but after a meltdown yesterday, I am actually feeling better. I spoke to my ex and we got some things out into the open along with some apologies for our behavior over the last couple of months. I also think that as far as our girls go, we will have no problem working with each other and doing what is right for them. It seems now that our relationship will be civil. It was actually one of the best conversations we've had in a very long time and we are both ready to move on, having learned a lot from our marriage.

So for now I can let my stress fester on all the stuff going on at the house. I have walls in my bathroom and my cabinets get installed in the kitchen tomorrow. I am hoping that the floors can be varnished next week and I can actually start moving in next weekend. At last - the light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter and I really may get into my house by the end of the month!!!

So as you can see I have been dealing with a bit of stress lately. Since August my dad committed suicide, I got divorced and bought and gutted a new (old) house. I probably should be having a heart attack right now. Thankfully I am the type of person that gets more done when there is more to do. Speaking of more to do, I do have a job that I have to keep though all this. Back to work!

And my favorite quote of the day...

"My mother said to me, If you become a soldier, you'll be a general; If you become a monk you'll end up as the pope. Instead, I became a painter and wound up as Picasso." - Pablo Picasso

A Little Break

I hope everyone had a nice holiday whether you celebrated Easter or Passover. I myself am having a very hard time dealing with my divorce. I just thought it would not be like this at all. I feel all of the guilt that I should have felt when I filed for divorce. I feel the desire to make things right and have my family back. I just feel lost. I hope it gets better. I hope the pain will fade with time.

So in the meantime I think I am going to take a little break to grieve a bit. To try to figure out how to get going on my "new" life. Until then I just need a little time to breathe.

Why Do I feel So Terrible?

I guess previous to the divorce being final I thought the hearing would just be a formality, a paper with a gold seal on it, giving me my maiden name back, allowing me to go on my merry way.

Well, it wasn't. Instead I have tormented myself with what ifs and the finality of it all. I'm grieving. Its something I can't undo. I can't turn back time. I can't fix my marriage. Its done. It was my doing and now I have to live with it. While in the end I am sure I will realize it was a good decision right now I just can't see anything. My brain is a big cloud.

I was so caught up in what I had done wrong and how I could not possibly be trusted or loved again that I moved on, even when other people weren't there yet. How could someone possibly want to stay with me? Why would I want to go through the immense pain of trying to fix things when I could just start over? Unfortunately I now see that maybe I could have started over with my marriage.

Don't get me wrong. This didn't happen overnight and I was very unhappy. After my dad died I was numb. I couldn't feel a thing. The excitement of an affair was something I could feel. And I did fall in love. Problem was I just could not see that someone else loved me.

My depression tore my marriage apart. I had such bad bouts that I was rendered useless. I have finally gotten real help and I can see how exciting life can be. I am just sorry I was such a burden at one time.

I hope I can learn from this. I hope I can communicate with my new partner, I hope I can feel the joy that he can bring to me, I hope I can realize that all relationships need some work sometimes, and that sometimes we just need a little space to catch our breath. Yes, my new relationship will be full of life that I can actually see.

On a New Path

Yup. Its official - I am divorced. The big "D". I thought I would feel a bit different, but I still feel like me. I think I was more emotional yesterday than I have been in a while. I guess the finality of it all really hit me. Its really over. No turning back. Not that I want to turn back, but a girl likes options and now I don't have any :) I guess it was just hard for me to admit that I could not keep the biggest promise I ever made - I think that is the most difficult thing I have had to come to terms with through this. But I am feeling a bit better today.

I really just could not handle reality yesterday. Unfortunately the world doesn't stop and kids don't necessarily realize when mommy is having a bad day. Speaking of the girls - they were so bad yesterday!!! Maybe they realized I was on another planet - but gee - they were cookoo-doodle. I'm going to have to put my authority mommy pants on and straighten those girls out! I guess I just feel so bad for them though all this. We share custody 50/50 so they are back and forth. They are also young so I am not quite sure they get what is going on. I did explain to my daughter that mommy and daddy were not married anymore. She got sad and asked, well what happens when I have kids? Will they have extra grandma's and grandpa's? I said - yes - they will be very lucky cause there will be so many people to love them! She seemed to like that idea. Why she is worrying about having kids when she is 4 - well that's a whole other story!

So no, there will be no divorce party with champagne and drinks. I don't believe in celebrating an ending such as this. I do look forward to putting to use what I learned in this process. Like how to better communicate with my partner, how to control my depression so that it does not affect my family so drastically, and most importantly how to love life and the people that are so very important to me.

Just because the first path I took was wrong, does not mean that I will not find the right one, or at least a new exciting one :)

"Our wretched species is so made that those who walk on the well-trodden path always throw stones at those who are showing a new road" -Voltaire