Oh My Its Been A While!

Hi Everyone,

I hope you are still checking in. I decided to take a bit of a break so that I could just get through all the stress of the last couple months. Thankfully I feel soooooooo much better.

I did get laid off from work, but I think it was a blessing in disguise. I have been able to spend more time with the girls and finish so many projects around the house! It really isn't bad having the summer off. I could get used to this!

Things are also going great with my boyfriend. He definitely gave me the space I needed right after the divorce. I think he realized I was grieving the loss of my family as I once knew it. However, right now I am getting more used to and excited about the new families we are making. His daughter also came to stay with us for three and a half weeks. That was great. It was so nice to see him so happy. Due to circumstance with his ex he hadn't seen her in so long. She canceled visits while we were en route and everything, so it really was exciting when we did finally get to have her with us. I know he wished she could stay longer, but we will see her again soon. My girls also really loved having a "big girl" around since his daughter is 11 and mine are 3 and 4. She actually has quite a few developmental delays and some other issues, so my girls were really good companions for her. She also did so well while she was here. No signs of her typical illness or insomnia that her mother constantly tells us about. Maybe we were lucky - or maybe she was just really happy to see her dad!

Also, things are much better with the ex. We can talk easily about things concerning the girls and have gotten into a nice pattern with all of that. I realized that I missed us as a family unit, but that I did not miss my relationship with him. That was definitely broken and I don't know if any amount of counseling could have fixed that.

Lastly, it is almost a year since my dad's suicide. I think many people think I am dreading the anniversary of his death, however, right now I see it as a date that will free myself from the last horrible year. It will officially be over. Maybe it will be able to bring me some peace and focus on all of the things that are finally starting to go right! Because I really have so many great things possible on the horizon. So que the set - life "take two" has officially begun!

And I promise - I will be back much more often!

Kitty Has Been Found. Lets Rejoice!

In my last post I mentioned that Alice's favorite stuffed kitty was missing and that she was just so lost. So lost in fact that she used a plastic slotted spoon in its place (spooney). Luckily I got a call last night saying the kitty had been found. I think maybe he just wanted to take a little vacation and camped out at her friend's house. So we can call off the dogs, cancel the future psych visits over this trauma; my daughter's "security blanket" has been found!

Wouldn't it be nice if as an adult you could have a security blanket? Something you could just carry around to make you feel better and safe. It seems like such a simple idea but becomes so much more complex over time. Perhaps people turn their relationship into their security blanket. Sometimes they become so afraid of letting go of the blanket that they just retreat into a relationship out of a sense of false security. The thought of letting go is terrifying. What would we do out on our own without some protection? How could we possibly make it?

Fortunately, some people realize that security comes in different ways. Family members, friends, personal success (whether it be career or otherwise) and find that strength to go out and take a risk. And I'm not just talking about leaving a bad relationship, I'm talking about leaving a job to go back to school or start a new career, about joining a club or a group. Just allowing you to be yourself and engage in your own interests rather than hiding behind something safe.

I see this a lot with people who have lost someone to suicide or depression as well. People still feel like there is a stigma about this and never talk about what really happened. They hide behind this wall of fear or shame. My own family did this at one point. I had no idea my dad's brother committed suicide about 30 years ago. I was told he died of pneumonia. If I had known about the genetic history maybe I would have spoken to my family about my own depression. Maybe I could have noticed the symptoms in my own dad. Unfortunately I didn't see it because I didn't know it was there. Only after my dad died did we even see that he had a history of depression from the medical questions he filled out when he purchased his life insurance policy. Yet he wouldn't go to the doctor. After he died I started going to a therapist once a week. My mom kept asking if I felt better etc. after one or two visits. I tried to explain that it didn't work that way and I suggested she go see somebody. She asked if it went on your medical record and if anyone would see she was going to someone. She didn't want it "in her record". I think I stared at her in disbelief. I told her that the men in white coats don't come pick you up and take you away. And that more importantly dad was dead because he thought the same way.

Don't worry about everyone else. If you need help go get it! There are plenty of anonymous places to call if you really can't bear to talk to someone about it. But do your self a favor. Please get help if you need it. There is no security in hiding in a corner just because that's what you know. There is so much else to experience out there. Life is what you make it - not what it hands you. We may not all be dealt the same cards, but you can throw some back and get new ones!

Oh and if you have a little one with a "security blanket" and it drives you nuts, don't worry about it. Maybe limit it to the house or night-time, but let them be kids and let them feel safe. After all, you know that you really are their security blanket, and they will realize it soon enough.



"I guess I talk too much. My mom is mad at me... my grandma is mad at me... everyone is mad at me. Yesterday my grandma drank thirty-two cups of coffee. I shouldn't have said anything. I suggested that perhaps her drinking thirty-two cups of coffee was not unlike my need for a security blanket... She didn't like the comparison. "(17 Jan 63) - Linus Van Pelt

Mother's Day, Schmother's Day

Ah yes, the Monday after Mother's day is always the same. You go to work and exchange niceties with your co-workers. They of course ask "How was your Mother's Day?" And they expect the following answer:

"Oh it was wonderful! Full of flowers and gifts, my amazing, beautiful children were extra amazing. Yes, truly a day in paradise."

Yeah right. I have to say, for the first time I actually feel like a real mom. Like someone deserving a day celebrating my biological contributions to society, but I suppose the universe just did not agree. First I had to fight to even see my girls on Mother's Day. This is a move that I questioned later in the day. And while I realize that my girls are young and probably won't actually get the meaning of Mother's Day until they have children of their own, I was hoping they would at least behave. So of course they were nutcases. Certifiable kook-a-doodles. Sometimes I think that Sally really does have batteries in her ears that she turns off. This is at least what she tells me when people in the next town can hear me screaming her name while she completely ignores me at 10 feet away. Yup - selective hearing at its best. I was also blessed with the news that Alice forgot her favorite stuffed Kitty at a friends house, and it is now officially lost. I think Alice is officially lost, replacing her kittly with a long plastic slotted spoon (appropriately named spooney) that she takes everywhere including bed. Yup, she even tucks him (her? it?) in under a mini blanket. Yup. Fan-tas-tic.

And while I don't expect gifts or anything lavish I was disappointed. Disappointed in her dad that he isn't at least teaching the girls the importance of giving and making other people happy. I bought a birthday gift for him from the girls because I think its important that they realize that everyone has a birthday and that giving a gift is really sometimes just as exciting as getting one. I guess I should be happy he at least told them it was Mother's Day so they weren't completely oblivious.

Maybe it just reminded me of my first Mother's Day. I was about 6 months pregnant. I knew I was having a girl, and was very excited that I could be included in this holiday. I am sure I spoke about it and my mom sent me a cute mom-to-be card. Yes!! I am a mom to that baby squirming around inside of me. She could make it if she popped out now I thought. I could see the outline of her head and feet when she moved in my belly. Yup - I was a mom!! Unless you asked my then husband. When I asked if he got me a card as the day advanced he said - why? You're not a mom yet. Needless to say he should know better than mess with a huge hormonal ball of a pregnant woman. Yeah, I was mad. So I dragged him to the (plant and flower) nursery. I picked out two gnomes. I may have even paid for them. They were my gift dammit. I was getting something.

I asked for the gnomes back last week. I got a no. I didn't ask for them in the divorce - so nope, too bad, can't have 'em. I reminded him of that first Mother's Day. He didn't seem to care.

So this past Sunday while at the CVS I noticed they had gnomes on sale. I bought two. Put them in the yard. I found them oddly fitting and oddly comforting at the same time.

Then again, maybe Mother's Day stunk so bad because I realized that I will never be a mom again and that post tubal ligation syndrome is quite real. I think I could be the poster child. I never really thought I would grieve losing the ability to reproduce having two healthy children. I mean why be greedy? But I'm sad at the lost opportunity. Maybe that is why I had the biggest panic attack of my life that night. Maybe that's why I was having nightmares about my girls. Hmmm, its all starting to make sense now.

Yup, its all starting to make sense.


"You don't really understand human nature unless you know why a child on a merry-go-round will wave at his parents every time around - and why his parents will always wave back." ~William D. Tammeus

Is this Heaven?

Yup...that is what my almost 3 year old (Alice) asked as we pulled into the cemetery that my dad is in. So my 4 year old (Sally) quickly corrected her saying that no, this was the cemetery. That is where they keep the body and the bones. Only the soul goes to Heaven and that is in the sky. But you have to be dead. That is the only way you can get to Heaven.

OH says Alice. OK.

So we get to the mausoleum that my dad is in and I show Sally where he is. Alice says - can we see him? Why is he in the wall? Can they open it? Look! - that one is broken. So I had to explain that it wasn't broken, but that someone had just died and they were making the special stone with their name on it. OH ok.

Sally is still standing looking at the wall. So I say - do you want to say anything to Pop-Pop? She gets all quiet and says yes. I love you and I miss you and starts to cry. So I start to cry and tell her that its ok to cry and that I miss him too. I also tell her that she shouldn't be afraid to cry if she is sad.

So almost on cue, Alice comes up to the both of us and gives us a hug and says "I Love Pop-Pop". We smile and stop crying. Sally stops crying because she sees the silly grin on Alice's face. I stop because I know I have this amazing little girl with an old soul that just melts me. She has an uncanny ability to make me and lots of other people just feel good. She has a warmth that an almost 3 year old shouldn't have. She has boundless empathy and sympathy - more than most adults I know. I also smile because I realize that my four year old understands that love doesn't die just because the person did. You can truly love someone forever.

Then I look over to see Jack. He wishes he could have met my dad, but he is happy to be involved in bringing Pop-Pop's girls to see him. He is so warm and caring, knowing how important these little visits are.

So I may not have my dad anymore, but I am surrounded by tons of love and support from Jack, tons of life and excitement to learn from Sally and tons of something I can't even explain from Alice. She is just amazing to me. And yes Alice - maybe it was Heaven - cause I wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere else at that moment when you came in for that healing hug. I hope you never lose that charm.



"Women's Liberation is just a lot of foolishness. It's the men who are discriminated against. They can't bear children. And no one's likely to do anything about that." ~Golda Meir

A Lesson in Economics

So recently I read this interesting article about "Just in Time" economics (JIT) vs. "Just in Case" economics (JIC). Apparently Toyota introduced this JIT theory and this article explained how it could be applied to your everyday life. So the gist of it is that we live in a world of excess. With the Just in Time theory you order things as you need them rather than stock pile items for someday (JIC). So Toyota orders their parts as they are building their cars and whips them out "just in time" for the consumer. Costs stay down. They make money - everyone is happy.

OK, how does this apply to me you ask? Well, how many of you have bought 10 giant cans of corn at the can can sale (If you don't have Shop Rite near you this isn't nearly as funny as I think it is) because they were buy 10 for $10? What a bargain you say! I need corn. Its always good to have corn on hand. But do you really like corn that much? Do you end up opening the pantry door saying, ugh, I just can't eat corn again. And then the day comes when can are in the mood for the corn, but you haven't eaten it in so long that its expired, and you end up throwing out 5 cans, and effectively $5. You know you have all done this!!!!

So my next question is, do you expand this into other areas of your life, like say when Payless has their BOGO sale? You probably don't need one pair of crappy shoes, but if you can get the 2nd for half off, suddenly you can buy those "just in case" strappy sandals for that wedding you "might" have to go to this summer... or maybe you buy those clothes at Macy's cause they are on sale and you could always use another (insert article of clothing here)! Meanwhile there is stuff in your closet that still has the tags on that you bought at the last sale, but doesn't fit quite right. But you save it "just in case" you gain or lose 5lbs and then it will be perfect! Guess what. That dress from 1992 may actually fit now, but you look ridiculous in it!

Then there is the "well I want to impress people as much as I can" version of this. Otherwise know as "keeping up with the Jones'". It has very similar principles. While I am all for people living in nice homes and driving nice dependable cars, some people live in a world of excess or "just in case". For example, you may buy that nicer car, just in case people don't know (or think) you are wealthy, powerful, or have, well you know where I was going there...

So in this economy, I think people are starting to wake up to this. I mean what do I care if Joe Schmo *thinks* I have money based on my house, car, clothing label etc. Most likely they are in debt to their eyeballs. But that illusion has become more important than the reality. I'm by no means saying to sell your house and live in a shack. But do people really need 5 bathrooms when they have one kid?

And no, I am not better than anyone here. In fact I have fallen victim to this myself. I got very caught up in appearances and straddled myself with a crazy car payment for a very zingy German car. Then I woke up one day and realized that this excess or "just in case" lifestyle of compiling as much as a person can to keep up an image, was a major contributing factor to my dad's death. Money, or the thought of being poor again (he was a poor kid) tortured him. People saw him as a well known business owner in the community, thought he did very well for himself and he thought that is why people respected him. When in actuality people respected him because he was a nice guy that would help anyone out. He could make anyone laugh, he did anything he could for his friends, family and community. Nobody knew his finances. And if they did would he stop being my dad? No. And money is a stupid thing to die over. So, I went and traded in my zingy German car yesterday for an equally zingy Toyota. Its cute, smart, and reasonable. Just like the new me. And now I will have an extra $200 in my pocket - well actually my credit card will get $200 more per month. (And yes - the closet will get a clean-out as well, I can also admit I was a brand whore at one point lol)

And remember, we live in a world of excess. It will still be there when you *truly* need it. Its not 1600 anymore. We don't have to stockpile the corn just in case its a really bad winter. We can get plenty at the can can sale.

"The only baggage you can bring Is all that you can't leave behind... You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been, A place that has to be believed to be seen... And I know it aches And your heart it breaks, And you can only take so much ...
Walk on, walk on" -U2

Spring Fever!

Ahhh finally... I have been hit by spring fever! Work on my house is really getting done and I just want to be there to be part of the work and enjoy the beautiful weather today. It also makes me think about all the fun things I can do with the girls as the weather gets nicer. They are at such great ages (4 and almost 3) and they just love running around in bare feet. Maybe we can go to the shore (on the weekends I have them) so they can stick those cute little toes in the sand. I am looking forward to sitting on my porch reading a book on warm nights too and having friends over for some of my famous themed events!

My new home represents so many things to me. Not only does it represent a new beginning post-divorce, but that I am able to accomplish a purchase and renovation on my own. That I have the vision to take a home that was in pretty bad shape and breathe new life into it. That I was able to make it my own and be proud of it. And yes, it simply represents the hope of many good times ahead with my girls. A home that I hope they will enjoy as much as I for a long time to come. A place where we all feel safe and welcome and hopefully depression free.

Now if the next hour and 44 minutes would just fly by I could do something about that spring fever!

"If you've never been thrilled to the very edges of your soul by a flower in spring bloom, maybe your soul has never been in bloom." ~Audra Foveo

Jumping Back In!

Ok - so that was a shorter break than even I expected, but after a meltdown yesterday, I am actually feeling better. I spoke to my ex and we got some things out into the open along with some apologies for our behavior over the last couple of months. I also think that as far as our girls go, we will have no problem working with each other and doing what is right for them. It seems now that our relationship will be civil. It was actually one of the best conversations we've had in a very long time and we are both ready to move on, having learned a lot from our marriage.

So for now I can let my stress fester on all the stuff going on at the house. I have walls in my bathroom and my cabinets get installed in the kitchen tomorrow. I am hoping that the floors can be varnished next week and I can actually start moving in next weekend. At last - the light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter and I really may get into my house by the end of the month!!!

So as you can see I have been dealing with a bit of stress lately. Since August my dad committed suicide, I got divorced and bought and gutted a new (old) house. I probably should be having a heart attack right now. Thankfully I am the type of person that gets more done when there is more to do. Speaking of more to do, I do have a job that I have to keep though all this. Back to work!

And my favorite quote of the day...

"My mother said to me, If you become a soldier, you'll be a general; If you become a monk you'll end up as the pope. Instead, I became a painter and wound up as Picasso." - Pablo Picasso