Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Who Are You?

Caterpillar: A, e i o u, a e i o u, a e i o u, o, u e i o a, u e i a, a e i o u... Who are you?
Alice: I- I- I hardly know, sir! I changed so many times since this morning, you see...
Caterpillar: I do not see. Explain yourself.
Alice: Why, I’m afraid I can’t explain myself, sir, because I’m not myself, you know...
Caterpillar: I do not know.
Alice: Well, I can’t put it anymore clearly for it isn’t clear to me!

This is something that many people who are depressed don't totally understand. A depressed person sometimes simply does not know WHO they are. They feel like they are playing a part in a play, wearing a costume, being what or whom they think other people want them to be. They are the career woman, dutiful wife, hardworking businessman, parent etc., even if they feel like it was a role they weren't meant to play. People get lost in what they think they are supposed to be instead of being who they really are.

This is what I am currently struggling with regarding my marriage. I have no problem telling you that my husband is a great man and wonderful father. He is hard working, has hobbies and interests. And as great as he is, I just do not know if I am meant to be with him. Did I get married because I was happy or because I thought it would bring me happiness? Did my depression drive the distance between us or did I become depressed because of it? Should I stay because of guilt about my kids growing up with their mom and dad in separate homes, or should I leave and make the best home for them I can? Do I stay because I figure out my depression is causing me to be distant? Do I leave because I am in love with someone else? Do I think that love is real or was it the excitement of an affair? How do I explain that I feel like the man from the affair filled my soul when I have a husband that loves me more than I ever will? Unfortunately I do not have the answers. Just the anguish of dealing with having to make a decision.

Lets Try This Again

Well, I tried to write a sincere blog about dealing with depression, suicide, life change etc., however for reasons I'd like to let drop, I had to erase my original blog.
Depression is a very serious matter, but I try to approach it in an easy way, hoping that I will be able to help others and possibly myself. I am going through a very trying time right now, and I see a blog as a journal to get your thoughts out. Hopefully this will be a therapeutic way to get some of my feelings out.
I like the Alice in Wonderland theme because I feel like it is something many people can identify with. In fact I do believe we are all a bit "mad" at some point or another. Some people pull through quickly and other people linger in this limbo between reality and another world they have made for themselves.
The last half of this year has been a huge challenge for me. My dad committed suicide in August. Honestly, I don't even know if this has truly "hit" me yet as I was also involved in an affair due to feeling sad and lonely in my marriage. My depression masked everything and as a result my world has been turned upside down.
Right now I am dealing with a very loving husband who truly wants me to "get better" and save our marriage and my own thoughts about do I want to save it. I also truly care for the other person involved. He has decided to leave his current marriage. I don't think this was because of me, but that I represented a way out, something he realized he needed to do for a while. None the less, I feel like I have already had a hand in destroying one family be it my fault or not. Do I also want to "destroy" my own? On the other hand do I want to risk falling into this behavior again? I truly believe that if kids have two loving parents they can grow up well adjusted. My kids are lucky - because they do have a great mom and dad. Now we just have to see if mom and dad will live in the same place.
I have placed a one month moratorium on speaking with the other man. I feel that it is only fair to do this to see if my feelings for him are real, to see if some counseling sessions make me want to work harder on my marriage, and well, just some time for me to think.
Its a test - and one of the hardest ones I've ever gone through, but I think its necessary and hope that he realizes that as well.
So this blog will focus on my struggles with depression, my marriage, my dad's suicide and my family. I will also focus on some great organizations that can help people dealing with depression or the loss of a loved one from suicide.