Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Lets Try This Again

Well, I tried to write a sincere blog about dealing with depression, suicide, life change etc., however for reasons I'd like to let drop, I had to erase my original blog.
Depression is a very serious matter, but I try to approach it in an easy way, hoping that I will be able to help others and possibly myself. I am going through a very trying time right now, and I see a blog as a journal to get your thoughts out. Hopefully this will be a therapeutic way to get some of my feelings out.
I like the Alice in Wonderland theme because I feel like it is something many people can identify with. In fact I do believe we are all a bit "mad" at some point or another. Some people pull through quickly and other people linger in this limbo between reality and another world they have made for themselves.
The last half of this year has been a huge challenge for me. My dad committed suicide in August. Honestly, I don't even know if this has truly "hit" me yet as I was also involved in an affair due to feeling sad and lonely in my marriage. My depression masked everything and as a result my world has been turned upside down.
Right now I am dealing with a very loving husband who truly wants me to "get better" and save our marriage and my own thoughts about do I want to save it. I also truly care for the other person involved. He has decided to leave his current marriage. I don't think this was because of me, but that I represented a way out, something he realized he needed to do for a while. None the less, I feel like I have already had a hand in destroying one family be it my fault or not. Do I also want to "destroy" my own? On the other hand do I want to risk falling into this behavior again? I truly believe that if kids have two loving parents they can grow up well adjusted. My kids are lucky - because they do have a great mom and dad. Now we just have to see if mom and dad will live in the same place.
I have placed a one month moratorium on speaking with the other man. I feel that it is only fair to do this to see if my feelings for him are real, to see if some counseling sessions make me want to work harder on my marriage, and well, just some time for me to think.
Its a test - and one of the hardest ones I've ever gone through, but I think its necessary and hope that he realizes that as well.
So this blog will focus on my struggles with depression, my marriage, my dad's suicide and my family. I will also focus on some great organizations that can help people dealing with depression or the loss of a loved one from suicide.

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