Saturday, August 22, 2009

"Plus" Size Model Kudos

So this blog addresses all kinds of things, especially things that bring us down and how to come back up. I saw this article on facebook and just had to post it. Its about a "plus" size model (who in actuality is a "regular" size 12-14) who posed without being airbrushed or anything for Glamour Magazine. The magazine has gotten some kudos for the article, but I think the media in general should be more aware that people come in all sizes and that some men actually like some meat on a woman's bones. Shocking I know!

I hope you enjoyed the article! Self-image is something that so many women struggle with regardless of their size. They have the magical ability of always finding fault with how they look. I'm sure it adds to the depression that many people feel. Or perhaps the self-image problems are a result of being depressed. And I too fall into the uber self-conscious category when it comes to my body. I have gained 20lbs since my dad died and now its a struggle to lose.

So why don't we all try to find the good in our bodies, and men - make sure you tell all the women in your life just how beautiful they are inside and out!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

One Year Ago Today - Aug 19th

So today marks the one year anniversary of my dad's passing. And if you have been following along you know my dad committed suicide.

I have to say, you NEVER expect the phone call I got last year at this time. I mean sudden heart attack or car accident - possibly. Your dad hanging himself? Never. Especially my dad. He was a goofball, the life of the party. Apparently he was also a master at covering up his depression and any possible effects of all the medication he was on.

Every 16 minutes someone in the US commits suicide. And its not just the withdrawn teenager. In fact 13% of all deaths in my dad's age group are suicides. Its crazy. Yet so many people cover it up. So many people are ashamed. And that is exactly why these people don't get help. We need to get rid of the stigma surrounding depression. We need to help people who see no other way out. We need them to realize how much the people that are left behind do hurt.

There is a quote that is now very dear to me because I think it is one of the most truthful ones I have ever heard.

"I hope it is true that a man can die and yet not only live in others but give them life, and not only life, but that great consciousness of life." Jack Kerouac

If anything good came out of my dad's suicide its that I now have this great consciousness of life. I realized that I too was depressed and that I needed to make some major changes. I also realize that I hurt some people in the process and for that I am so very sorry. But in the end, I needed to do what was right for me and for the most part it has worked out.

I do have to thank my ex though for being there for me while I was going through this. I know he was just as devastated and made a promise that he would look after his girls. And while I may no longer be a part of that picture, I know he will always look after our girls because he is a wonderful dad. I know he will continue to talk about my dad with them and keep him as a part of his family, and for that I am very grateful.

I don't think I would have gotten the help I did or made the decisions I did had my dad not committed suicide. I knew I needed help and I knew things had to change. And life is better now, but it was terrible for a while and I am glad I had the strength to get through it. I also hope that the people I hurt can understand and are also able to find the happiness they deserve because something good must come out of this.

We all miss you dad. Thank you for all the great times we did have together. I just wish you could have given me the gift of the great consciousness of life in some other way. But then again, I probably wouldn't have seen it if it were just handed to me.

I love you, and hope you are looking down and are proud of us. We need your support always.

Please check out the groups in my links section if you need any info about depression or suicide. There are so many people that want to help. Smash the stigma - get help if you are depressed.

Monday, August 17, 2009


So all day I have been in this fog. I think it started out last night when I took some Tylenol PM to fall asleep. I didn't wake up until 11:15 this morning! I usually wake up before 8am when I have no alarm. On the weekend I will often lay in bed a bit longer - but to not even wake up until 11:15 is just crazy! That stuff must have put me in a coma. I certainly slept - so the PM part worked - but I have been walking around in a fog all day.

As the day went on, I started having problems breathing and my heart started racing. Its been like that for hours now. It really is my typical panic/anxiety symptoms, however, my mind isn't running all over the place, or I didn't wake up from a nightmare or blood sugar drop so it just seems weird. Luckily its a Sunday and I can just kind of relax, but it was a completely lost day. I mean I did nothing. But I guess that's ok once in a while.

The only thing I can think of is that this week is going to be hard for me whether I think about my dad or not. I am sure its in my subconscious that the one year anniversary of my dad's death is on Wednesday. I also went to a wedding last night as my mom's date, so that was hard at parts as well. I cried during the Father/Daughter dance and my mom cried during one of my dad's favorite songs. So maybe that was going through my mind while I was in my Tylenol induced coma as well. I guess I just need to get through this week. Hopefully I will feel a lot better once we get to the other end of it.

Oh and now that I was in a coma all day I am wide awake at 12:30 am. Awesome. I'm sure that effect won't carry over to tomorrow. Ahhh, its all just a slippery slope I suppose. Wish me luck getting a decent night's sleep!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

One Day At A Time

Well I am feeling better since my last post. Being divorced is hard when it comes to the kids, but in the end, they know that both their mommy and daddy love them very much and that they can come to either one of us for anything. Luckily, my ex and I can also have a very conflict-free relationship, especially when it comes to the girls. I think this will make things so much better for them. Knowing that their mom and dad can stand being in the same place at the same time to celebrate their successes and milestones with make things easier for them as well. When it comes to them, my ex and I can always put our own feelings aside for them.

I know I've spoken about wondering if I've done the right thing on this blog before, and in my heart I know I have. I know I grieve the loss of a traditional family, but at the same time I know that my ex and I just didn't work together. We were great as friends and lousy as lovers and true marital partners. I now have someone that loves all of me, not just parts.

I also know that my daughters are both so young that one day this will be second nature for them. It will simply be their life experience, and hopefully it will involve seeing both their parents having wonderful life partners that really show that marriage to the right person can be a great thing. I definitely still believe in marriage as an institution and souring them on the benefits of a truly loving long life with one partner is the last thing I would want to do. I just want to make sure they realize that getting married is in fact about the marriage and not just the wedding.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Another Rough Day

I was hoping that as the anniversary of my dad's death approached later this month I would start to feel a sense of relief that the worst year of my life was over. Unfortunately, that's not what I'm feeling today. Instead, I am thinking about how I lost a part of may family and how my kids will never have the type of family I knew growing up.

Its hard not seeing my dad anymore when I go home. Its hard having my kids not know him for as long as they should have. What is even harder is knowing that my kids will never know a family the way I did. No matter how happy my ex or I are and how great our partners may be, there will just never be that real sense of family that either of us had growing up. Their lives will forever be split between the two of us. It just doesn't seem fair. Of course the window to fix this has closed so its something I simply must live with. Knowing this just makes things harder. I am sure I made many of my decisions in a haze of depression and grief. I know I was looking for happiness and I did find some, but maybe I could have found it right where I was.

The hardest thing about divorce is what happens to your children. A mother's love for her kids is like nothing else. Despite how happy I am with my partner I don't know if the guilt of hurting my kids will balance it out. I just hope they come to realize that sometimes life just happens and takes you on a very unexpected ride with a very unexpected outcome. But that the whole time they are the most important people in the world to me and I will do everything I can to give them the happiest home life possible.

So I think today I will just take it easy and try to focus on all the good things I do have in my life, because there are a lot of things to be grateful for.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

A Bird in My House

So if you have been following along lately you know that my boyfriend and I went on a little get-away this past weekend. It was much needed, but at the end, I just wanted to get back home and relax.

So when we got home, Jack went into the bedroom and I heard him yell. I was thinking to myself - "what's going on? - did we get robbed or something?" Nope, there was a bird in our room. Yes a bird - an actual flying around sparrow. Now, we were gone for 4 nights and left no window's open. How the heck did it get in there? The attic? - perhaps. Its pretty much the only thing we can think of. But its still a bit of a mystery.

And if you are superstitious like me, a bird in the house is NOT a good thing. A lot of superstition around this topic says that a family member will die. Yikes. This is not what I need. So I went and surfed the web hoping for some "alternate" superstition. And I found one! This one said that the souls of the dead travel in the bodies of birds (sparrows to be specific) to visit loved ones and then leave peacefully. We did have to "help" the bird out, but it was pretty easy. So I would like to think it was my dad stopping by to see my new place and maybe meet Jack. In fact, its what I need to believe, because I just can't handle the alternative. I have always said I wanted a tattoo of a bird on my shoulder with a star in the distance, because in Egyptian (I think) mythology birds carry the souls of the newly dead to the stars (their place in the heavens).

So yeah, that's my story and I'm sticking with it. Its nice to think that maybe dad is still checking in on me.

Monday, August 3, 2009

A Nice Little Getaway

So me and my honey had a nice little getaway this weekend. We had some much needed time to ourselves that did not involve paint or tile or anything to do with the house. It was just about getting away and having fun.

I have to say it was much needed, but I am so ready to go home and sleep in my own bed tonite! Plus I can't wait to see my girlies!

Now its time for me to really get that job search going too, I'll keep you posted on that as well. For now I will try to relax at the airport while waiting for my flight to board.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Oh My Its Been A While!

Hi Everyone,

I hope you are still checking in. I decided to take a bit of a break so that I could just get through all the stress of the last couple months. Thankfully I feel soooooooo much better.

I did get laid off from work, but I think it was a blessing in disguise. I have been able to spend more time with the girls and finish so many projects around the house! It really isn't bad having the summer off. I could get used to this!

Things are also going great with my boyfriend. He definitely gave me the space I needed right after the divorce. I think he realized I was grieving the loss of my family as I once knew it. However, right now I am getting more used to and excited about the new families we are making. His daughter also came to stay with us for three and a half weeks. That was great. It was so nice to see him so happy. Due to circumstance with his ex he hadn't seen her in so long. She canceled visits while we were en route and everything, so it really was exciting when we did finally get to have her with us. I know he wished she could stay longer, but we will see her again soon. My girls also really loved having a "big girl" around since his daughter is 11 and mine are 3 and 4. She actually has quite a few developmental delays and some other issues, so my girls were really good companions for her. She also did so well while she was here. No signs of her typical illness or insomnia that her mother constantly tells us about. Maybe we were lucky - or maybe she was just really happy to see her dad!

Also, things are much better with the ex. We can talk easily about things concerning the girls and have gotten into a nice pattern with all of that. I realized that I missed us as a family unit, but that I did not miss my relationship with him. That was definitely broken and I don't know if any amount of counseling could have fixed that.

Lastly, it is almost a year since my dad's suicide. I think many people think I am dreading the anniversary of his death, however, right now I see it as a date that will free myself from the last horrible year. It will officially be over. Maybe it will be able to bring me some peace and focus on all of the things that are finally starting to go right! Because I really have so many great things possible on the horizon. So que the set - life "take two" has officially begun!

And I promise - I will be back much more often!

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Kitty Has Been Found. Lets Rejoice!

In my last post I mentioned that Alice's favorite stuffed kitty was missing and that she was just so lost. So lost in fact that she used a plastic slotted spoon in its place (spooney). Luckily I got a call last night saying the kitty had been found. I think maybe he just wanted to take a little vacation and camped out at her friend's house. So we can call off the dogs, cancel the future psych visits over this trauma; my daughter's "security blanket" has been found!

Wouldn't it be nice if as an adult you could have a security blanket? Something you could just carry around to make you feel better and safe. It seems like such a simple idea but becomes so much more complex over time. Perhaps people turn their relationship into their security blanket. Sometimes they become so afraid of letting go of the blanket that they just retreat into a relationship out of a sense of false security. The thought of letting go is terrifying. What would we do out on our own without some protection? How could we possibly make it?

Fortunately, some people realize that security comes in different ways. Family members, friends, personal success (whether it be career or otherwise) and find that strength to go out and take a risk. And I'm not just talking about leaving a bad relationship, I'm talking about leaving a job to go back to school or start a new career, about joining a club or a group. Just allowing you to be yourself and engage in your own interests rather than hiding behind something safe.

I see this a lot with people who have lost someone to suicide or depression as well. People still feel like there is a stigma about this and never talk about what really happened. They hide behind this wall of fear or shame. My own family did this at one point. I had no idea my dad's brother committed suicide about 30 years ago. I was told he died of pneumonia. If I had known about the genetic history maybe I would have spoken to my family about my own depression. Maybe I could have noticed the symptoms in my own dad. Unfortunately I didn't see it because I didn't know it was there. Only after my dad died did we even see that he had a history of depression from the medical questions he filled out when he purchased his life insurance policy. Yet he wouldn't go to the doctor. After he died I started going to a therapist once a week. My mom kept asking if I felt better etc. after one or two visits. I tried to explain that it didn't work that way and I suggested she go see somebody. She asked if it went on your medical record and if anyone would see she was going to someone. She didn't want it "in her record". I think I stared at her in disbelief. I told her that the men in white coats don't come pick you up and take you away. And that more importantly dad was dead because he thought the same way.

Don't worry about everyone else. If you need help go get it! There are plenty of anonymous places to call if you really can't bear to talk to someone about it. But do your self a favor. Please get help if you need it. There is no security in hiding in a corner just because that's what you know. There is so much else to experience out there. Life is what you make it - not what it hands you. We may not all be dealt the same cards, but you can throw some back and get new ones!

Oh and if you have a little one with a "security blanket" and it drives you nuts, don't worry about it. Maybe limit it to the house or night-time, but let them be kids and let them feel safe. After all, you know that you really are their security blanket, and they will realize it soon enough.

"I guess I talk too much. My mom is mad at me... my grandma is mad at me... everyone is mad at me. Yesterday my grandma drank thirty-two cups of coffee. I shouldn't have said anything. I suggested that perhaps her drinking thirty-two cups of coffee was not unlike my need for a security blanket... She didn't like the comparison. "(17 Jan 63) - Linus Van Pelt

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Mother's Day, Schmother's Day

Ah yes, the Monday after Mother's day is always the same. You go to work and exchange niceties with your co-workers. They of course ask "How was your Mother's Day?" And they expect the following answer:

"Oh it was wonderful! Full of flowers and gifts, my amazing, beautiful children were extra amazing. Yes, truly a day in paradise."

Yeah right. I have to say, for the first time I actually feel like a real mom. Like someone deserving a day celebrating my biological contributions to society, but I suppose the universe just did not agree. First I had to fight to even see my girls on Mother's Day. This is a move that I questioned later in the day. And while I realize that my girls are young and probably won't actually get the meaning of Mother's Day until they have children of their own, I was hoping they would at least behave. So of course they were nutcases. Certifiable kook-a-doodles. Sometimes I think that Sally really does have batteries in her ears that she turns off. This is at least what she tells me when people in the next town can hear me screaming her name while she completely ignores me at 10 feet away. Yup - selective hearing at its best. I was also blessed with the news that Alice forgot her favorite stuffed Kitty at a friends house, and it is now officially lost. I think Alice is officially lost, replacing her kittly with a long plastic slotted spoon (appropriately named spooney) that she takes everywhere including bed. Yup, she even tucks him (her? it?) in under a mini blanket. Yup. Fan-tas-tic.

And while I don't expect gifts or anything lavish I was disappointed. Disappointed in her dad that he isn't at least teaching the girls the importance of giving and making other people happy. I bought a birthday gift for him from the girls because I think its important that they realize that everyone has a birthday and that giving a gift is really sometimes just as exciting as getting one. I guess I should be happy he at least told them it was Mother's Day so they weren't completely oblivious.

Maybe it just reminded me of my first Mother's Day. I was about 6 months pregnant. I knew I was having a girl, and was very excited that I could be included in this holiday. I am sure I spoke about it and my mom sent me a cute mom-to-be card. Yes!! I am a mom to that baby squirming around inside of me. She could make it if she popped out now I thought. I could see the outline of her head and feet when she moved in my belly. Yup - I was a mom!! Unless you asked my then husband. When I asked if he got me a card as the day advanced he said - why? You're not a mom yet. Needless to say he should know better than mess with a huge hormonal ball of a pregnant woman. Yeah, I was mad. So I dragged him to the (plant and flower) nursery. I picked out two gnomes. I may have even paid for them. They were my gift dammit. I was getting something.

I asked for the gnomes back last week. I got a no. I didn't ask for them in the divorce - so nope, too bad, can't have 'em. I reminded him of that first Mother's Day. He didn't seem to care.

So this past Sunday while at the CVS I noticed they had gnomes on sale. I bought two. Put them in the yard. I found them oddly fitting and oddly comforting at the same time.

Then again, maybe Mother's Day stunk so bad because I realized that I will never be a mom again and that post tubal ligation syndrome is quite real. I think I could be the poster child. I never really thought I would grieve losing the ability to reproduce having two healthy children. I mean why be greedy? But I'm sad at the lost opportunity. Maybe that is why I had the biggest panic attack of my life that night. Maybe that's why I was having nightmares about my girls. Hmmm, its all starting to make sense now.

Yup, its all starting to make sense.

"You don't really understand human nature unless you know why a child on a merry-go-round will wave at his parents every time around - and why his parents will always wave back." ~William D. Tammeus

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Is this Heaven?

Yup...that is what my almost 3 year old (Alice) asked as we pulled into the cemetery that my dad is in. So my 4 year old (Sally) quickly corrected her saying that no, this was the cemetery. That is where they keep the body and the bones. Only the soul goes to Heaven and that is in the sky. But you have to be dead. That is the only way you can get to Heaven.

OH says Alice. OK.

So we get to the mausoleum that my dad is in and I show Sally where he is. Alice says - can we see him? Why is he in the wall? Can they open it? Look! - that one is broken. So I had to explain that it wasn't broken, but that someone had just died and they were making the special stone with their name on it. OH ok.

Sally is still standing looking at the wall. So I say - do you want to say anything to Pop-Pop? She gets all quiet and says yes. I love you and I miss you and starts to cry. So I start to cry and tell her that its ok to cry and that I miss him too. I also tell her that she shouldn't be afraid to cry if she is sad.

So almost on cue, Alice comes up to the both of us and gives us a hug and says "I Love Pop-Pop". We smile and stop crying. Sally stops crying because she sees the silly grin on Alice's face. I stop because I know I have this amazing little girl with an old soul that just melts me. She has an uncanny ability to make me and lots of other people just feel good. She has a warmth that an almost 3 year old shouldn't have. She has boundless empathy and sympathy - more than most adults I know. I also smile because I realize that my four year old understands that love doesn't die just because the person did. You can truly love someone forever.

Then I look over to see Jack. He wishes he could have met my dad, but he is happy to be involved in bringing Pop-Pop's girls to see him. He is so warm and caring, knowing how important these little visits are.

So I may not have my dad anymore, but I am surrounded by tons of love and support from Jack, tons of life and excitement to learn from Sally and tons of something I can't even explain from Alice. She is just amazing to me. And yes Alice - maybe it was Heaven - cause I wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere else at that moment when you came in for that healing hug. I hope you never lose that charm.

"Women's Liberation is just a lot of foolishness. It's the men who are discriminated against. They can't bear children. And no one's likely to do anything about that." ~Golda Meir

Thursday, April 23, 2009

A Lesson in Economics

So recently I read this interesting article about "Just in Time" economics (JIT) vs. "Just in Case" economics (JIC). Apparently Toyota introduced this JIT theory and this article explained how it could be applied to your everyday life. So the gist of it is that we live in a world of excess. With the Just in Time theory you order things as you need them rather than stock pile items for someday (JIC). So Toyota orders their parts as they are building their cars and whips them out "just in time" for the consumer. Costs stay down. They make money - everyone is happy.

OK, how does this apply to me you ask? Well, how many of you have bought 10 giant cans of corn at the can can sale (If you don't have Shop Rite near you this isn't nearly as funny as I think it is) because they were buy 10 for $10? What a bargain you say! I need corn. Its always good to have corn on hand. But do you really like corn that much? Do you end up opening the pantry door saying, ugh, I just can't eat corn again. And then the day comes when can are in the mood for the corn, but you haven't eaten it in so long that its expired, and you end up throwing out 5 cans, and effectively $5. You know you have all done this!!!!

So my next question is, do you expand this into other areas of your life, like say when Payless has their BOGO sale? You probably don't need one pair of crappy shoes, but if you can get the 2nd for half off, suddenly you can buy those "just in case" strappy sandals for that wedding you "might" have to go to this summer... or maybe you buy those clothes at Macy's cause they are on sale and you could always use another (insert article of clothing here)! Meanwhile there is stuff in your closet that still has the tags on that you bought at the last sale, but doesn't fit quite right. But you save it "just in case" you gain or lose 5lbs and then it will be perfect! Guess what. That dress from 1992 may actually fit now, but you look ridiculous in it!

Then there is the "well I want to impress people as much as I can" version of this. Otherwise know as "keeping up with the Jones'". It has very similar principles. While I am all for people living in nice homes and driving nice dependable cars, some people live in a world of excess or "just in case". For example, you may buy that nicer car, just in case people don't know (or think) you are wealthy, powerful, or have, well you know where I was going there...

So in this economy, I think people are starting to wake up to this. I mean what do I care if Joe Schmo *thinks* I have money based on my house, car, clothing label etc. Most likely they are in debt to their eyeballs. But that illusion has become more important than the reality. I'm by no means saying to sell your house and live in a shack. But do people really need 5 bathrooms when they have one kid?

And no, I am not better than anyone here. In fact I have fallen victim to this myself. I got very caught up in appearances and straddled myself with a crazy car payment for a very zingy German car. Then I woke up one day and realized that this excess or "just in case" lifestyle of compiling as much as a person can to keep up an image, was a major contributing factor to my dad's death. Money, or the thought of being poor again (he was a poor kid) tortured him. People saw him as a well known business owner in the community, thought he did very well for himself and he thought that is why people respected him. When in actuality people respected him because he was a nice guy that would help anyone out. He could make anyone laugh, he did anything he could for his friends, family and community. Nobody knew his finances. And if they did would he stop being my dad? No. And money is a stupid thing to die over. So, I went and traded in my zingy German car yesterday for an equally zingy Toyota. Its cute, smart, and reasonable. Just like the new me. And now I will have an extra $200 in my pocket - well actually my credit card will get $200 more per month. (And yes - the closet will get a clean-out as well, I can also admit I was a brand whore at one point lol)

And remember, we live in a world of excess. It will still be there when you *truly* need it. Its not 1600 anymore. We don't have to stockpile the corn just in case its a really bad winter. We can get plenty at the can can sale.

"The only baggage you can bring Is all that you can't leave behind... You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been, A place that has to be believed to be seen... And I know it aches And your heart it breaks, And you can only take so much ...
Walk on, walk on" -U2

Friday, April 17, 2009

Spring Fever!

Ahhh finally... I have been hit by spring fever! Work on my house is really getting done and I just want to be there to be part of the work and enjoy the beautiful weather today. It also makes me think about all the fun things I can do with the girls as the weather gets nicer. They are at such great ages (4 and almost 3) and they just love running around in bare feet. Maybe we can go to the shore (on the weekends I have them) so they can stick those cute little toes in the sand. I am looking forward to sitting on my porch reading a book on warm nights too and having friends over for some of my famous themed events!

My new home represents so many things to me. Not only does it represent a new beginning post-divorce, but that I am able to accomplish a purchase and renovation on my own. That I have the vision to take a home that was in pretty bad shape and breathe new life into it. That I was able to make it my own and be proud of it. And yes, it simply represents the hope of many good times ahead with my girls. A home that I hope they will enjoy as much as I for a long time to come. A place where we all feel safe and welcome and hopefully depression free.

Now if the next hour and 44 minutes would just fly by I could do something about that spring fever!

"If you've never been thrilled to the very edges of your soul by a flower in spring bloom, maybe your soul has never been in bloom." ~Audra Foveo

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Jumping Back In!

Ok - so that was a shorter break than even I expected, but after a meltdown yesterday, I am actually feeling better. I spoke to my ex and we got some things out into the open along with some apologies for our behavior over the last couple of months. I also think that as far as our girls go, we will have no problem working with each other and doing what is right for them. It seems now that our relationship will be civil. It was actually one of the best conversations we've had in a very long time and we are both ready to move on, having learned a lot from our marriage.

So for now I can let my stress fester on all the stuff going on at the house. I have walls in my bathroom and my cabinets get installed in the kitchen tomorrow. I am hoping that the floors can be varnished next week and I can actually start moving in next weekend. At last - the light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter and I really may get into my house by the end of the month!!!

So as you can see I have been dealing with a bit of stress lately. Since August my dad committed suicide, I got divorced and bought and gutted a new (old) house. I probably should be having a heart attack right now. Thankfully I am the type of person that gets more done when there is more to do. Speaking of more to do, I do have a job that I have to keep though all this. Back to work!

And my favorite quote of the day...

"My mother said to me, If you become a soldier, you'll be a general; If you become a monk you'll end up as the pope. Instead, I became a painter and wound up as Picasso." - Pablo Picasso

Monday, April 13, 2009

A Little Break

I hope everyone had a nice holiday whether you celebrated Easter or Passover. I myself am having a very hard time dealing with my divorce. I just thought it would not be like this at all. I feel all of the guilt that I should have felt when I filed for divorce. I feel the desire to make things right and have my family back. I just feel lost. I hope it gets better. I hope the pain will fade with time.

So in the meantime I think I am going to take a little break to grieve a bit. To try to figure out how to get going on my "new" life. Until then I just need a little time to breathe.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Why Do I feel So Terrible?

I guess previous to the divorce being final I thought the hearing would just be a formality, a paper with a gold seal on it, giving me my maiden name back, allowing me to go on my merry way.

Well, it wasn't. Instead I have tormented myself with what ifs and the finality of it all. I'm grieving. Its something I can't undo. I can't turn back time. I can't fix my marriage. Its done. It was my doing and now I have to live with it. While in the end I am sure I will realize it was a good decision right now I just can't see anything. My brain is a big cloud.

I was so caught up in what I had done wrong and how I could not possibly be trusted or loved again that I moved on, even when other people weren't there yet. How could someone possibly want to stay with me? Why would I want to go through the immense pain of trying to fix things when I could just start over? Unfortunately I now see that maybe I could have started over with my marriage.

Don't get me wrong. This didn't happen overnight and I was very unhappy. After my dad died I was numb. I couldn't feel a thing. The excitement of an affair was something I could feel. And I did fall in love. Problem was I just could not see that someone else loved me.

My depression tore my marriage apart. I had such bad bouts that I was rendered useless. I have finally gotten real help and I can see how exciting life can be. I am just sorry I was such a burden at one time.

I hope I can learn from this. I hope I can communicate with my new partner, I hope I can feel the joy that he can bring to me, I hope I can realize that all relationships need some work sometimes, and that sometimes we just need a little space to catch our breath. Yes, my new relationship will be full of life that I can actually see.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

On a New Path

Yup. Its official - I am divorced. The big "D". I thought I would feel a bit different, but I still feel like me. I think I was more emotional yesterday than I have been in a while. I guess the finality of it all really hit me. Its really over. No turning back. Not that I want to turn back, but a girl likes options and now I don't have any :) I guess it was just hard for me to admit that I could not keep the biggest promise I ever made - I think that is the most difficult thing I have had to come to terms with through this. But I am feeling a bit better today.

I really just could not handle reality yesterday. Unfortunately the world doesn't stop and kids don't necessarily realize when mommy is having a bad day. Speaking of the girls - they were so bad yesterday!!! Maybe they realized I was on another planet - but gee - they were cookoo-doodle. I'm going to have to put my authority mommy pants on and straighten those girls out! I guess I just feel so bad for them though all this. We share custody 50/50 so they are back and forth. They are also young so I am not quite sure they get what is going on. I did explain to my daughter that mommy and daddy were not married anymore. She got sad and asked, well what happens when I have kids? Will they have extra grandma's and grandpa's? I said - yes - they will be very lucky cause there will be so many people to love them! She seemed to like that idea. Why she is worrying about having kids when she is 4 - well that's a whole other story!
So no, there will be no divorce party with champagne and drinks. I don't believe in celebrating an ending such as this. I do look forward to putting to use what I learned in this process. Like how to better communicate with my partner, how to control my depression so that it does not affect my family so drastically, and most importantly how to love life and the people that are so very important to me.

Just because the first path I took was wrong, does not mean that I will not find the right one, or at least a new exciting one :)

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Tomorrow is a big day...

...tomorrow my divorce will be final. I know this is the right thing for me, but I am sure I will leave the courtroom a mess of emotions tomorrow. I am exhausted emotionally and physically. I feel like my mom and brother have no idea what I am going through and think its just like any other day. My mom seems to forget that I have a demanding job, am playing general contractor at my house and am going though many emotions with my marriage ending. I am also trying to be the best mom possible through all this as well and it is just taking a toll on me.

Hopefully things will be better when the divorce is final. Maybe I will feel a big sense of relief. It will also be great when the house is done and I can have a home again.

Wish me luck. Luckily I do have a wonderful boyfriend supporting me though this :) I love you baby.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Something Fun!

I can't talk about depression and suicide and divorce all the time! What a downer! I am actually in a pretty good place emotionally right now. Pretty stable - so I figured I'd do something fun to make me seem a little less anonymous and a bit more human. So here are some interesting things to know about me:

1. I'm 35, will be officially divorced on Monday and have two little girls aged 4 and almost 3.

2. I am not at all graceful but can be quite charming :)

3. I'm a goth girl grown up. I still have a bit of a quirky sense of style, but can totally dress it up or sport a business suit if I have to.

4. I have a nose ring and giant tattoo on my back and a small one on my shoulder.

5. I just bought a house that I am gutting. This is added stress but the fun kind. If I could do it over I'd be an interior designer - so this is like having my own design show.

6. My boyfriend is a hottie artist geek.
7. My most prized possession is a little teapot that was my grandmother's. It was the first thing I took when I decided to move out.
8. Alice in Wonderland is my youngest daughter's favorite movie - hence the theme. She is an old soul that just melts everyone she meets. There is just something so special about her. Maybe I will refer to her as Alice for purposes of this blog.
9. I love wine. I have a wine fridge and I use it. Yummy yummy wine.
10. I never in a million years thought I would blog. But here I am. Though I suppose I never thought I'd do a lot of things...Life is funny that way!
11. I believe in ghosts.
12. I love to travel, love photography and am the biggest U2 fan on the planet. I've combined all those loves by seeing them a lot of times in 5 different countries and taking some great pictures.

13. My brother and I are in "competition" to get to all the continents first. We have both been to North America (obviously), Europe, Asia and Australia.

I guess that's a good start!

I hope you all keep stopping by!
And my quote for today...

"The only difference between tattooed people and untattooed people is that tattooed people are way more cool and can kick your ass." Jack Rudy

Thursday, April 2, 2009

August 19, 2008

That day feels like it literally marks the first day of the rest of my life. The day my world was shattered, the day my priorities shifted and my strength was tested. The day that changed every thought process I had, the day that grounded me. This was truly the worst day of my life.

The day runs through my head like a film reel. I know what I was wearing, I know who I called first, I remember having to tell my mom and I remember seeing my brother cry. I remember him hugging me and not wanting to let go. And now finally the numbness is wearing off and I feel like I have to talk about it.

My dad was your typical goofy guy. Loved to travel, love to spoil his wife and kids. Loved cars and his granddaughters. He was young (only 59) with energy and health to have a fun retirement. But really underneath all that he was depressed. Really depressed and he fooled us all. I was his girl. Even at 34 he still spoiled me. He loved my daughters so much - he was their pop-pop. So why did he leave us? Why didn't he say good bye? Well I suppose he said good bye to the girls in his own way - but he didn't say good bye to me. Did he think I would understand? Did he think I could handle it? Or did he think I was too self-absorbed to notice he was hurting? Unfortunately at the same time I was in a deep depression myself and couldn't see the world around me. I didn't care about most things - maybe he thought I didn't care if he wasn't around. I wish I could tell him wrong that is - how much I cared about him. How I would have done anything I could to help if I only knew.

I really "woke up" after that. I realized there was a family history of depression and that I wasn't alone. I realized that people are afraid to ask for help. I realized that I was miserable and I had to make some changes. It was quick and drastic - but I had to save my own life. I didn't want my kids to find me hanging in the garage one day. I want to be there if my girls need help. Now that I know the strong genetic component I know to watch for it. And I knew above all that I needed help.

So I saw a therapist and then a psychiatrist (and still do). I am on some medication now (not much - but enough to keep me steady). I left a marriage that was going nowhere for a better life by myself. I have so much more interest in my children and what they do now. I feel alive. I also left the big house and bought a cute little one. Retail therapy no longer consumes me. My outlook on what is really important has totally changed. I have 2 beautiful, healthy daughters, a roof over my head, a job I love and a great boyfriend that has gone though a similar realignment of priorities.

I just wish I didn't have to lose my dad to gain some focus. If anything good has come of this, at least in his death, I was able to truly live. Thanks Dad. I miss you.

"I hope it is true that a man can die and yet not only live in others but give them life, and not only life, but that great consciousness of life." Jack Kerouac

Why? Why? WHY?

I am so frustrated today. I have gained about a pound a day this week. I am not eating an extra 3500 calories a day here! Can stress really do this to you? I must have some major cortisol problem if that's the case - lol. But I still squeezed myself into my 15lb ago jeans so I do not get comfy in the bigger ones. This weight MUST go away. It doesn't help that I was responsible for the office bagels today. I mean how can I go to Panera and not eat my most favorite bagel (the assiago cheese one) today? Looks like its salad for lunch :)

My body image has always been a major problem for me. I know my depression plays a major role in this, but I just can't seem to shake it. I was doing so well and then my dad died and for reasons beyond my control had to stop going to the gym. I had to get home earlier because my mom had to go back to work and could not watch the girls while I went to work out. It was all downhill from there. But even without the exercise I should have been able to keep my weight at least stable. This weight gain has really gotten me down and I just feel so frumpy lately. I really need to turn this around. I need to find some time and get motivated again - even with all the other stress swirling around me.

On top of that I forgot my blackberry today! How could I forget my crackberry??? Its usually attached to me at the hip. It would be like me forgetting to put my feet on in the morning. Oh wait - they come pre-attached. Maybe THATS why I always remember them. I don't know why I can't remember to do basic things anymore either. It drives me nuts. I pride myself on being pretty smart (wicked smart in fact), yet I can't remember to make a reservation (which reminds me...) Maybe I have to start tying string to my fingers and wiring my jaw shut. Maybe that would solve some of my problems ;)

Maybe I'll take a nice walk tonite. If I remember.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

The April Fool

Well I have decided that today will be my "New Year's Day". I suppose that makes me an April Fool, but I think it will have positive consequences. With all the stress in my life around getting divorced, losing my dad, finding a new place to live etc., I have not focused on my own health. I've gained 10lbs back and its time to lose it. So starting today I will watch my diet, try to get in more exercise (now that the weather is getting nicer), and take my vitamins!

All of these things should also help my depression. I know when I was actively exercising my depression was definitely more in check. I have been in a funk lately and I need to shake it. I can't let myself slip into another bout of depression right now. I have to many things to do and too many things to be thankful for. I also have to have the strength to get through these tough times ahead with fixing the house and getting the girls adjusted.

I will also use this time to get more done at work. I have caught up a lot, but we have a few big projects that I can take on now and I think a sense of accomplishment at work will help me. Maybe I will do some spring cleaning in my office today to really get things on track.

So happy April Fool's Day - may it be a good start for all!

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

And We're Back!

Well - it has been quite a while since I posted, but I wanted to let some emotions run its course and try to see more clearly. My husband and I are definitely split (actually it will be final on Monday). To my surprise this has brought some mixed feelings. My oldest child is definitely having difficulty with mommy and daddy not being in the same house. This has brought me feelings of sadness and guilt. She tells me that daddy wants me back in the house - but I know this is not true. I have been living with my mom since New Year's - so I know this has been a bit of a strain. I purchased a house and am in the process of fixing it up. I think then the girls will be more comfortable and have a new "home" to identify with. I hope this helps them with the struggle of having their parents in two different places. I just can't wait to have a real home to live in!!

As for my depression it has been more in check. Making the decision to leave and start over did have a stabilizing effect on me. Maybe because the official divorce is so close now I am feeling a little more sad. Not because I am not excited about starting over, but because I feel like I failed. I am a competitive person and I don't like failing - but I failed my first marriage. I only hope that I learn from those mistakes.

The person I am with now is wonderful. He is understanding, caring, has similar interests and drives and is just fun to be around. I think the girls like him and he adores the girls. I know it is a lot for them to get used to - but they have both commented on how happy I seem lately. Of course I still see my therapist and doctor to make sure all is well - this is no time to "wing it" with regard to medication.

I have also realized that the loss of my dad is setting in a bit more lately. I'm not having crazy dreams any more, but I miss him more and my oldest girl is having a lot of difficulty with it. She says she misses him and asks about him all the time. I told he that things must be hard for her now - losing her pop-pop, and her mommy and daddy living in separate houses. I told her it was ok to be sad and ok to cry and that she could talk to mommy or daddy any time she wanted. Not having my dad to talk to has been hard. Sometimes I have to do double takes when I see people because I think I see him. I just want to tell him that I am ok and that I hope he is not mad at me for getting divorced. I hope he thinks I am doing the right thing. I hope he is looking after all of his girls. We need a guardian angel right now. Life is stressful.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

The Path to Happiness

Ah yes - it will be quite a painful road I am sure. But only 3 days in and I fufilled one of my resolutions. To make a decision to be happy. My husband and I decided that the charade should be over and agreed to end the marriage. Now we are trying to iron out the details and the kids are of highest importance. I have started making a nice room for them where I will be staying. Its a familiar place to them - so hopefully we can make some good memories there too.

Today was hard and I am sure it will only get harder, but in the end it will be worth it. I thank all of my friends and family that have been so supportive. I do know if I could get through this with out them.

Now the journey begins...

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year to everyone. I am glad to put 2008 behind us and am looking forward to a much better 2009. Maybe I will even be able to make a resolution to find my own happiness. Needless to say, my brother thinks I should stay in my marriage because of my kids. I'm sure my mom feels the same way. And my husband has been so understanding. But my heart and soul are just pushing me in another direction. I have a feeling finding happiness will be a very painful road. I love my kids more than I could ever imagine possible. In fact I think that nobody even has an idea as to what love really is until they have children. Only then do you realize how powerful it can be. If I could find even half that I think I would be glowing. I just need to allow myself to make that decision. Its quite a New Year's Resolution. That and the one to lose 10 more lbs. LOL

I hope you all have a healthy, happy and prosperous 2009!