Ah yes, the Monday after Mother's day is always the same. You go to work and exchange niceties with your co-workers. They of course ask "How was your Mother's Day?" And they expect the following answer:
"Oh it was wonderful! Full of flowers and gifts, my amazing, beautiful children were extra amazing. Yes, truly a day in paradise."
Yeah right. I have to say, for the first time I actually feel like a real mom. Like someone deserving a day celebrating my biological contributions to society, but I suppose the universe just did not agree. First I had to fight to even see my girls on Mother's Day. This is a move that I questioned later in the day. And while I realize that my girls are young and probably won't actually get the meaning of Mother's Day until they have children of their own, I was hoping they would at least behave. So of course they were nutcases. Certifiable kook-a-doodles. Sometimes I think that Sally really does have batteries in her ears that she turns off. This is at least what she tells me when people in the next town can hear me screaming her name while she completely ignores me at 10 feet away. Yup - selective hearing at its best. I was also blessed with the news that Alice forgot her favorite stuffed Kitty at a friends house, and it is now officially lost. I think Alice is officially lost, replacing her kittly with a long plastic slotted spoon (appropriately named spooney) that she takes everywhere including bed. Yup, she even tucks him (her? it?) in under a mini blanket. Yup. Fan-tas-tic.
And while I don't expect gifts or anything lavish I was disappointed. Disappointed in her dad that he isn't at least teaching the girls the importance of giving and making other people happy. I bought a birthday gift for him from the girls because I think its important that they realize that everyone has a birthday and that giving a gift is really sometimes just as exciting as getting one. I guess I should be happy he at least told them it was Mother's Day so they weren't completely oblivious.
Maybe it just reminded me of my first Mother's Day. I was about 6 months pregnant. I knew I was having a girl, and was very excited that I could be included in this holiday. I am sure I spoke about it and my mom sent me a cute mom-to-be card. Yes!! I am a mom to that baby squirming around inside of me. She could make it if she popped out now I thought. I could see the outline of her head and feet when she moved in my belly. Yup - I was a mom!! Unless you asked my then husband. When I asked if he got me a card as the day advanced he said - why? You're not a mom yet. Needless to say he should know better than mess with a huge hormonal ball of a pregnant woman. Yeah, I was mad. So I dragged him to the (plant and flower) nursery. I picked out two gnomes. I may have even paid for them. They were my gift dammit. I was getting something.
I asked for the gnomes back last week. I got a no. I didn't ask for them in the divorce - so nope, too bad, can't have 'em. I reminded him of that first Mother's Day. He didn't seem to care.
So this past Sunday while at the CVS I noticed they had gnomes on sale. I bought two. Put them in the yard. I found them oddly fitting and oddly comforting at the same time.
Then again, maybe Mother's Day stunk so bad because I realized that I will never be a mom again and that post tubal ligation syndrome is quite real. I think I could be the poster child. I never really thought I would grieve losing the ability to reproduce having two healthy children. I mean why be greedy? But I'm sad at the lost opportunity. Maybe that is why I had the biggest panic attack of my life that night. Maybe that's why I was having nightmares about my girls. Hmmm, its all starting to make sense now.
Yup, its all starting to make sense.
"You don't really understand human nature unless you know why a child on a merry-go-round will wave at his parents every time around - and why his parents will always wave back." ~William D. Tammeus
Bleedovers: A Dystopian Novella
1 year ago