Saturday, August 22, 2009

"Plus" Size Model Kudos

So this blog addresses all kinds of things, especially things that bring us down and how to come back up. I saw this article on facebook and just had to post it. Its about a "plus" size model (who in actuality is a "regular" size 12-14) who posed without being airbrushed or anything for Glamour Magazine. The magazine has gotten some kudos for the article, but I think the media in general should be more aware that people come in all sizes and that some men actually like some meat on a woman's bones. Shocking I know!

I hope you enjoyed the article! Self-image is something that so many women struggle with regardless of their size. They have the magical ability of always finding fault with how they look. I'm sure it adds to the depression that many people feel. Or perhaps the self-image problems are a result of being depressed. And I too fall into the uber self-conscious category when it comes to my body. I have gained 20lbs since my dad died and now its a struggle to lose.

So why don't we all try to find the good in our bodies, and men - make sure you tell all the women in your life just how beautiful they are inside and out!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

One Year Ago Today - Aug 19th

So today marks the one year anniversary of my dad's passing. And if you have been following along you know my dad committed suicide.

I have to say, you NEVER expect the phone call I got last year at this time. I mean sudden heart attack or car accident - possibly. Your dad hanging himself? Never. Especially my dad. He was a goofball, the life of the party. Apparently he was also a master at covering up his depression and any possible effects of all the medication he was on.

Every 16 minutes someone in the US commits suicide. And its not just the withdrawn teenager. In fact 13% of all deaths in my dad's age group are suicides. Its crazy. Yet so many people cover it up. So many people are ashamed. And that is exactly why these people don't get help. We need to get rid of the stigma surrounding depression. We need to help people who see no other way out. We need them to realize how much the people that are left behind do hurt.

There is a quote that is now very dear to me because I think it is one of the most truthful ones I have ever heard.

"I hope it is true that a man can die and yet not only live in others but give them life, and not only life, but that great consciousness of life." Jack Kerouac

If anything good came out of my dad's suicide its that I now have this great consciousness of life. I realized that I too was depressed and that I needed to make some major changes. I also realize that I hurt some people in the process and for that I am so very sorry. But in the end, I needed to do what was right for me and for the most part it has worked out.

I do have to thank my ex though for being there for me while I was going through this. I know he was just as devastated and made a promise that he would look after his girls. And while I may no longer be a part of that picture, I know he will always look after our girls because he is a wonderful dad. I know he will continue to talk about my dad with them and keep him as a part of his family, and for that I am very grateful.

I don't think I would have gotten the help I did or made the decisions I did had my dad not committed suicide. I knew I needed help and I knew things had to change. And life is better now, but it was terrible for a while and I am glad I had the strength to get through it. I also hope that the people I hurt can understand and are also able to find the happiness they deserve because something good must come out of this.

We all miss you dad. Thank you for all the great times we did have together. I just wish you could have given me the gift of the great consciousness of life in some other way. But then again, I probably wouldn't have seen it if it were just handed to me.

I love you, and hope you are looking down and are proud of us. We need your support always.

Please check out the groups in my links section if you need any info about depression or suicide. There are so many people that want to help. Smash the stigma - get help if you are depressed.

Monday, August 17, 2009


So all day I have been in this fog. I think it started out last night when I took some Tylenol PM to fall asleep. I didn't wake up until 11:15 this morning! I usually wake up before 8am when I have no alarm. On the weekend I will often lay in bed a bit longer - but to not even wake up until 11:15 is just crazy! That stuff must have put me in a coma. I certainly slept - so the PM part worked - but I have been walking around in a fog all day.

As the day went on, I started having problems breathing and my heart started racing. Its been like that for hours now. It really is my typical panic/anxiety symptoms, however, my mind isn't running all over the place, or I didn't wake up from a nightmare or blood sugar drop so it just seems weird. Luckily its a Sunday and I can just kind of relax, but it was a completely lost day. I mean I did nothing. But I guess that's ok once in a while.

The only thing I can think of is that this week is going to be hard for me whether I think about my dad or not. I am sure its in my subconscious that the one year anniversary of my dad's death is on Wednesday. I also went to a wedding last night as my mom's date, so that was hard at parts as well. I cried during the Father/Daughter dance and my mom cried during one of my dad's favorite songs. So maybe that was going through my mind while I was in my Tylenol induced coma as well. I guess I just need to get through this week. Hopefully I will feel a lot better once we get to the other end of it.

Oh and now that I was in a coma all day I am wide awake at 12:30 am. Awesome. I'm sure that effect won't carry over to tomorrow. Ahhh, its all just a slippery slope I suppose. Wish me luck getting a decent night's sleep!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

One Day At A Time

Well I am feeling better since my last post. Being divorced is hard when it comes to the kids, but in the end, they know that both their mommy and daddy love them very much and that they can come to either one of us for anything. Luckily, my ex and I can also have a very conflict-free relationship, especially when it comes to the girls. I think this will make things so much better for them. Knowing that their mom and dad can stand being in the same place at the same time to celebrate their successes and milestones with make things easier for them as well. When it comes to them, my ex and I can always put our own feelings aside for them.

I know I've spoken about wondering if I've done the right thing on this blog before, and in my heart I know I have. I know I grieve the loss of a traditional family, but at the same time I know that my ex and I just didn't work together. We were great as friends and lousy as lovers and true marital partners. I now have someone that loves all of me, not just parts.

I also know that my daughters are both so young that one day this will be second nature for them. It will simply be their life experience, and hopefully it will involve seeing both their parents having wonderful life partners that really show that marriage to the right person can be a great thing. I definitely still believe in marriage as an institution and souring them on the benefits of a truly loving long life with one partner is the last thing I would want to do. I just want to make sure they realize that getting married is in fact about the marriage and not just the wedding.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Another Rough Day

I was hoping that as the anniversary of my dad's death approached later this month I would start to feel a sense of relief that the worst year of my life was over. Unfortunately, that's not what I'm feeling today. Instead, I am thinking about how I lost a part of may family and how my kids will never have the type of family I knew growing up.

Its hard not seeing my dad anymore when I go home. Its hard having my kids not know him for as long as they should have. What is even harder is knowing that my kids will never know a family the way I did. No matter how happy my ex or I are and how great our partners may be, there will just never be that real sense of family that either of us had growing up. Their lives will forever be split between the two of us. It just doesn't seem fair. Of course the window to fix this has closed so its something I simply must live with. Knowing this just makes things harder. I am sure I made many of my decisions in a haze of depression and grief. I know I was looking for happiness and I did find some, but maybe I could have found it right where I was.

The hardest thing about divorce is what happens to your children. A mother's love for her kids is like nothing else. Despite how happy I am with my partner I don't know if the guilt of hurting my kids will balance it out. I just hope they come to realize that sometimes life just happens and takes you on a very unexpected ride with a very unexpected outcome. But that the whole time they are the most important people in the world to me and I will do everything I can to give them the happiest home life possible.

So I think today I will just take it easy and try to focus on all the good things I do have in my life, because there are a lot of things to be grateful for.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

A Bird in My House

So if you have been following along lately you know that my boyfriend and I went on a little get-away this past weekend. It was much needed, but at the end, I just wanted to get back home and relax.

So when we got home, Jack went into the bedroom and I heard him yell. I was thinking to myself - "what's going on? - did we get robbed or something?" Nope, there was a bird in our room. Yes a bird - an actual flying around sparrow. Now, we were gone for 4 nights and left no window's open. How the heck did it get in there? The attic? - perhaps. Its pretty much the only thing we can think of. But its still a bit of a mystery.

And if you are superstitious like me, a bird in the house is NOT a good thing. A lot of superstition around this topic says that a family member will die. Yikes. This is not what I need. So I went and surfed the web hoping for some "alternate" superstition. And I found one! This one said that the souls of the dead travel in the bodies of birds (sparrows to be specific) to visit loved ones and then leave peacefully. We did have to "help" the bird out, but it was pretty easy. So I would like to think it was my dad stopping by to see my new place and maybe meet Jack. In fact, its what I need to believe, because I just can't handle the alternative. I have always said I wanted a tattoo of a bird on my shoulder with a star in the distance, because in Egyptian (I think) mythology birds carry the souls of the newly dead to the stars (their place in the heavens).

So yeah, that's my story and I'm sticking with it. Its nice to think that maybe dad is still checking in on me.

Monday, August 3, 2009

A Nice Little Getaway

So me and my honey had a nice little getaway this weekend. We had some much needed time to ourselves that did not involve paint or tile or anything to do with the house. It was just about getting away and having fun.

I have to say it was much needed, but I am so ready to go home and sleep in my own bed tonite! Plus I can't wait to see my girlies!

Now its time for me to really get that job search going too, I'll keep you posted on that as well. For now I will try to relax at the airport while waiting for my flight to board.