I guess previous to the divorce being final I thought the hearing would just be a formality, a paper with a gold seal on it, giving me my maiden name back, allowing me to go on my merry way.
Well, it wasn't. Instead I have tormented myself with what ifs and the finality of it all. I'm grieving. Its something I can't undo. I can't turn back time. I can't fix my marriage. Its done. It was my doing and now I have to live with it. While in the end I am sure I will realize it was a good decision right now I just can't see anything. My brain is a big cloud.
I was so caught up in what I had done wrong and how I could not possibly be trusted or loved again that I moved on, even when other people weren't there yet. How could someone possibly want to stay with me? Why would I want to go through the immense pain of trying to fix things when I could just start over? Unfortunately I now see that maybe I could have started over with my marriage.
Don't get me wrong. This didn't happen overnight and I was very unhappy. After my dad died I was numb. I couldn't feel a thing. The excitement of an affair was something I could feel. And I did fall in love. Problem was I just could not see that someone else loved me.
My depression tore my marriage apart. I had such bad bouts that I was rendered useless. I have finally gotten real help and I can see how exciting life can be. I am just sorry I was such a burden at one time.
I hope I can learn from this. I hope I can communicate with my new partner, I hope I can feel the joy that he can bring to me, I hope I can realize that all relationships need some work sometimes, and that sometimes we just need a little space to catch our breath. Yes, my new relationship will be full of life that I can actually see.
Bleedovers: A Dystopian Novella
1 year ago