Yup. Its official - I am divorced. The big "D". I thought I would feel a bit different, but I still feel like me. I think I was more emotional yesterday than I have been in a while. I guess the finality of it all really hit me. Its really over. No turning back. Not that I want to turn back, but a girl likes options and now I don't have any :) I guess it was just hard for me to admit that I could not keep the biggest promise I ever made - I think that is the most difficult thing I have had to come to terms with through this. But I am feeling a bit better today.
I really just could not handle reality yesterday. Unfortunately the world doesn't stop and kids don't necessarily realize when mommy is having a bad day. Speaking of the girls - they were so bad yesterday!!! Maybe they realized I was on another planet - but gee - they were cookoo-doodle. I'm going to have to put my authority mommy pants on and straighten those girls out! I guess I just feel so bad for them though all this. We share custody 50/50 so they are back and forth. They are also young so I am not quite sure they get what is going on. I did explain to my daughter that mommy and daddy were not married anymore. She got sad and asked, well what happens when I have kids? Will they have extra grandma's and grandpa's? I said - yes - they will be very lucky cause there will be so many people to love them! She seemed to like that idea. Why she is worrying about having kids when she is 4 - well that's a whole other story!
So no, there will be no divorce party with champagne and drinks. I don't believe in celebrating an ending such as this. I do look forward to putting to use what I learned in this process. Like how to better communicate with my partner, how to control my depression so that it does not affect my family so drastically, and most importantly how to love life and the people that are so very important to me.
Just because the first path I took was wrong, does not mean that I will not find the right one, or at least a new exciting one :)
"Our wretched species is so made that those who walk on the well-trodden path always throw stones at those who are showing a new road" -Voltaire