Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Who Are You?

Caterpillar: A, e i o u, a e i o u, a e i o u, o, u e i o a, u e i a, a e i o u... Who are you?
Alice: I- I- I hardly know, sir! I changed so many times since this morning, you see...
Caterpillar: I do not see. Explain yourself.
Alice: Why, I’m afraid I can’t explain myself, sir, because I’m not myself, you know...
Caterpillar: I do not know.
Alice: Well, I can’t put it anymore clearly for it isn’t clear to me!

This is something that many people who are depressed don't totally understand. A depressed person sometimes simply does not know WHO they are. They feel like they are playing a part in a play, wearing a costume, being what or whom they think other people want them to be. They are the career woman, dutiful wife, hardworking businessman, parent etc., even if they feel like it was a role they weren't meant to play. People get lost in what they think they are supposed to be instead of being who they really are.

This is what I am currently struggling with regarding my marriage. I have no problem telling you that my husband is a great man and wonderful father. He is hard working, has hobbies and interests. And as great as he is, I just do not know if I am meant to be with him. Did I get married because I was happy or because I thought it would bring me happiness? Did my depression drive the distance between us or did I become depressed because of it? Should I stay because of guilt about my kids growing up with their mom and dad in separate homes, or should I leave and make the best home for them I can? Do I stay because I figure out my depression is causing me to be distant? Do I leave because I am in love with someone else? Do I think that love is real or was it the excitement of an affair? How do I explain that I feel like the man from the affair filled my soul when I have a husband that loves me more than I ever will? Unfortunately I do not have the answers. Just the anguish of dealing with having to make a decision.

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