I was hoping that as the anniversary of my dad's death approached later this month I would start to feel a sense of relief that the worst year of my life was over. Unfortunately, that's not what I'm feeling today. Instead, I am thinking about how I lost a part of may family and how my kids will never have the type of family I knew growing up.
Its hard not seeing my dad anymore when I go home. Its hard having my kids not know him for as long as they should have. What is even harder is knowing that my kids will never know a family the way I did. No matter how happy my ex or I are and how great our partners may be, there will just never be that real sense of family that either of us had growing up. Their lives will forever be split between the two of us. It just doesn't seem fair. Of course the window to fix this has closed so its something I simply must live with. Knowing this just makes things harder. I am sure I made many of my decisions in a haze of depression and grief. I know I was looking for happiness and I did find some, but maybe I could have found it right where I was.
The hardest thing about divorce is what happens to your children. A mother's love for her kids is like nothing else. Despite how happy I am with my partner I don't know if the guilt of hurting my kids will balance it out. I just hope they come to realize that sometimes life just happens and takes you on a very unexpected ride with a very unexpected outcome. But that the whole time they are the most important people in the world to me and I will do everything I can to give them the happiest home life possible.
So I think today I will just take it easy and try to focus on all the good things I do have in my life, because there are a lot of things to be grateful for.
Bleedovers: A Dystopian Novella
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